Learning to Let it All Go.

I did it!  I finally let all of the anger and hurt (both self-inflicted and not self-inflicted) go about a month ago.  I am a much less stressed and lighter woman these days.  Letting go of anger apparently lets go of 5 pounds too...I'll take it.  I am working on building better relationships with the people in my life as of today.  I'm back to running consistently which makes for a more mentally happy being as well.  I am going to try to get back to some of my favorite interests that have fallen by the wayside in the last year as well like reading and cooking.  I forgot how much I love to cook.  Most importantly I am going to make sure I have quality time with my younger daughter everyday.  She has been the one who has been lost in the shuffle and I intend on fixing that starting tonight.  The older daughter's drama is just going to have to take a back seat for a while.

I have a birthday coming up and plan on making the second half of my life spectacular.  I am going to find ways to go on vacations, I am going to find ways to help people anonymously, I am going to find ways to encourage everyone I know to be the person they dream of being and I am going to make sure I never put my children through Hell again.  I have a camera sitting on my bureau collecting dust...it's time to get out and start using it.  I always seem to be working and running...and I have figured out that I am missing out on life and it's time to start living. It's a little early, but I am making my New Year's Resolution now.  I am going to take my daughters on some kind of adventure every month.  Since I am missing out on life...so are they and that is not fair to them.  Sooooo....bring on the holidays and once the gifts are opened and put away...life begins anew for one single Mom and her two kids!

My dealings with Hypocrisy

I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to hypocrisy, but lately I can't believe how much hypocrisy is flying around. We have certainly become a "Do as I say and not as I do" society.  I don't think people in general try to be that way, I think most people judge too harshly on first sight instead of seeing why a person might be reacting a certain way.  Most people are good.  So when they take the time to write something or venemous words are said, there is probably a good reason...at least in that person's mind.

There are always at the minimum two sides to every argument.  Is anyone ever really right or really wrong?  I don't think so...but there are definite winners and losers.  Currently my two amazing daughters are the losers and my ex-husband is the winner.  I, myself, am way too busy to even look up long enough to find out where I stand.  Some days I think I am winning, but then child support doesn't come through and I can't pay the bills even though I work two jobs.  Then I am on the losing end again.  It happens.  I know it won't be like this forever...the Courts will catch up with the ex eventually.  In the mean time I do what I can and my girls are learning how to compare prices when we shop or put off getting something for a few weeks.  Hopefully they are learning more than that right now.  I hope they are learning that there is no easy way out, that there is always a price to pay and that you should never say something that might come back to haunt you....which brings us back to hypocrisy.

I have had many not so nice things said to and about me over the last 6 months from someone who has never met me.  I too have said things that are not so nice as well.  The fact that I am an extremely stubborn redhead and the other person is extremely vengeful in nature, this will probably never get resolved.  But again...back to the hypocrisy that has astounded me lately.  I am not sure how I can be called a bad mother when the person calling me that has let a man she met on the internet move in with her and her children...including a 6 year old girl?  To my knowledge...the little girl and the man had never met before...I could be wrong...people like to lie to me. That to me sounds like the stupidest, most irresponsible thing a mother could do.  What happened to protecting our children?  Yes, my boyfriend lives with me and my two yong daughters, but he also knew them for almost 6 months before he moved in.  They had a chance to get to know him and they also had a say in if he moved in or not.  I made sure they were part of the decision.

This same person also sent me a text that said "I'm not like you Michelle. I don't take in men that are not my husband." But she did, then again I guess they could have gotten married last month.  Nothing would surprise me. 

I think my favorite part of this whole entire mess is that she is a Christian...I mean a real Christian.  Quotes Scripture and everything.  He is/was a hardcore Atheist.  He spent years telling me how stupid religion is and how stupid I was for having my beliefs and and how it is filled with tons of hypocrisy...and he just left his children to move 16 hours away to....live with it...blatant hypocrisy. 

Now that I got my little vent out of the way...I am coming back to my blog to start writing about my new life being a real single parent since my ex up and left and left me to raise our children.  That makes 3 children he will have nothing to do with as a parent outside of being a "Disney Dad"...but that's about all he can handle.  The exciting part is that I get to mold and shape and teach my girls how to be independent, strong, hard working and confident without much interference.  There IS always a bright side!  To be fair, since I currently work 2 jobs and go to school full time, I have to give credit where credit is due.  I have an amazing boyfriend who has completely picked up the slack with my girls.  He considers them his and would do anything for them and for that I am grateful.  He has his issues and we all do...but he has the biggest heart of anyone I know and I am fortunate to have him in my life in any capacity.  I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and I hope he comes to understand that while the girls can be difficult and down right mean sometimes...someday they too will look back and have a deep appreciation for him as well.

I won't work two jobs forever and I won't be in school forever...so for now I am going to try to keep up with my blogs and it will be fun to look back one day and see how far I have come.

I hope my ex enjoys the easy life...at least when I am on my deathbed...I can die knowing I did everything I could to be there for my children everyday, teach them the important lessons in life and know that I never took the easy way out.

M~

Indy Women's Only Half

My summer of Hell finally ended with the Indy Women’s Half-Marathon.  I wasn’t sure it would ever get here.  Between the famous One America Mini Half-Marathon in May and the not so famous Women’s this past Saturday I have endured a hip flexor injury, metatarsalgia, asthma attacks due to allergies, humidity and running and finally my sprained ankle.  It was a long hot summer.  But now it’s over and I am actually a bit sad.  Even though I think I only had one or two good runs this summer, there was something empowering about being out running on a Sunday morning in 80-90 degree heat and 80% humidity and knowing most people wouldn’t even leave their house on a morning like that.

But what I really wanted to write about is my experience this past Friday and Saturday.  As timing would have it my college courses started last Monday.  It was a busy week to say the least.  I took Friday off from work to get my homework done that was due on Friday and Saturday.  I didn’t make one of the Saturday deadlines, but it’s early in the semester, one late assignment shouldn’t kill me.  I also took the day off so I wouldn’t be rushed…I was still rushed.  I was only 7 minutes late picking up my running partner Elizabeth, that’s REALLY good for me!  Three of us ladies, yep, I said ladies, decided to get a hotel room downtown Indy.  Best idea of the year. To give credit where credit is due, it was Karen’s idea.  She’s my running mentor and running partner when I feel good enough to keep up with her.

By 5 o’clock we were all checked in at the Hilton, one block from the circle where the race would be starting the next morning.  We walked to the other Hilton on the other side of the circle to get our packets, Karen had a number issue and ended up with an Elite number, she deserved it, she’s pretty elite in my mind.  Next up, manicures and hand massages at no charge.  Kind of wish it was foot massages…but I wasn’t about to complain.  During my relaxing day off of homework, I forgot to pack my pajamas, so we headed to TJ Maxx and then to dinner.  At dinner there were six of us women total.  Five of us that have been training together and another very special lady who is Karen’s running mentor. 

We had some wonderful food, some great laughs and then Karen surprised us with necklaces for all of us that have a little 13.1 medallion on it.  I told you she is elite.  Then we all headed to our respective beds…the alarm was set for 4:30am.  We got up at 4:45am.  It was still dark out as we entered the circle for the opening ceremonies.  A little bit of nervous energy in the air and lots of humidity.  The Mayor spoke and then a lovely military woman sang an amazing version of the National Anthem; it brought tears to my eyes. 

Then it was time, one last mad dash for the port –o- potty and then the gun went off.  We all headed out into the dark streets of the city.  I don’t remember the sun coming up, but I know it did.  This was Elizabeth’s first half and we were able to stay together for the first 4 miles, then she went on ahead and I tried to figure out how to breathe.  It took another mile or so, but I finally got it figured out.  I felt great!  I finally caught up to her around mile 8, then it happened,  the temperature and humidity sharply rose and my ability to breath declined instantly and I had to hit the port-o-potty.  I told Elizabeth to go on and I would try to catch her if I could.  I wanted her to do well. 

Mile ten I realized I wasn’t sweating anymore.  Mile 11 I had chills.  I walked a lot of mile 12 and gulped as much Gatorade and water as I could at the water stops.  Around 12.5 I decided that I started this race running and I was going to finish it running.  I finished in just over 2 hours and 40 minutes.  I really wanted to break 2 hours and 30 minutes and was on track until mile 10. I decided beating dehydration was more important than beating my previous time. I hated it, but they black flagged the race about 20 minutes after I finished.  I made the right call.  At the end of the race the most important thing was making sure Elizabeth was ok and that she wasn’t mad at me for getting her into running.  When I found her at the finish, I think she ended up finishing about 3 minutes ahead of me; I gave her a big hug and told her how proud of her I was.  Then I asked her if she was going to run the next half and she said yes!  PHEW!   I would have wiped the sweat from my brow but I wasn’t sweating yet.

So all in all my time wasn’t what I was hoping for,  Indy broke a ninety-eight year old heat record, I finished the half only 3-4 minutes slower than my previous half but my best friend was still talking to me.  I couldn’t be happier with my race considering the conditions.  I have just over seven weeks until the next one so it’s time to put this one in the scrapbook and get back to training.

But before I do…here is my big shout out to Karen Wahlstrom, Elizabeth Landis, Chrystal Wagner, Pam Ullrich and Sherrie Owens!  You all did amazing this weekend, I value each one of you and I can’t wait to do this all over again next year!

And last but not least…thank you to my other half Derek Denney for volunteering and being at mile 13 and for telling me I could do it.  Brian Wolff for taking pictures and having popsicles and water for us.  Mike Spellman for getting up on a horridly hot and humid morning just to come down and cheer us ladies on, and for getting a few pictures of us as we were finishing.  You guys are awesome!

Back to school...for me

Reality has hit.  My college textbooks came in the mail yesterday.  It’s real, I am back to being a college student.  When it is all said and done, it will be very cool to have a Bachelor’s degree from Indiana University.  I saw the movie Hoosiers when I was a kid back in NH.  It never occurred to me that I might have a degree from that very same college, all I knew was that Gene Hackman was a pretty good actor.  I wish there was a class in applying for college.  I started this process in March and was able to finally order my textbooks this past week.  There should be college credits awarded just for getting through the process!  I originally applied to IU – Bloomington (the main school and campus).  Then they decided that I should be going through IU – East on the other side of the State.  I’m okay with that, I am no longer a “Hoosier”, now I am a “Red Wolf”.  Not quite the same but it will do.  I can privately root for the Hoosiers.  My diploma will say just plain old “Indiana University”, at that point I can be whatever I want to be….Hoosier or a Red Wolf.  The best part is that I actually graduate at the IUPUI campus which is across the street from where I work.  For my east coast friends, IUPUI is a collaboration of IU and Perdue and they have a huge campus here in downtown Indianapolis.  So to sum up my college experience so far without even opening a textbook, my advisor is out of the IU – Bloomington campus, my classes are out of the IU – East campus and I will graduate smack dab in the middle at the IUPUI campus.  Seriously…shouldn’t I get some credit for keeping that straight?

Perfection

I am not perfect, I have never been perfect and I never will be perfect.  I have made mistakes...BIG mistakes.  But haven't we all?  Why is it then that some people are not allowed to make mistakes in other people's eyes?  Why are some people not allowed to learn, grow and change?  Why aren't some people allowed to have a different point of view without being ridiculed?  Why have I not learned to NOT let my guard down around people I think are my friends.  The whole "open-minded" Liberal title gets me every time.  I keep thinking people who are so tolerant of gay marriage, affirmative action, abortion and believe in spirituality instead of regularly attend a Church service would also afford me the opportunity to have my beliefs without judgement.  Wrong!  I have learned that these "open-minded" people are only "open-minded" about people who have the same mind.  Boring.
I am not saying that all "open-minded" do not accept me.  I am saying the angry, insecure and just plain unhappy ones do not accept me.  I seem to be a target for women who feel the need to scratch someone's eyes out.  I have kind of gotten used to it over the years, but it still hurts.  I don't think many people realize that Conservative women have feelings too!  Yes, we tend to be more serious. We have a different sense of humor, yes we do have a sense of humor, and we tend to talk in quieter voices.  The whole world doesn't need to know our business, just the select few we let in.  I need to work on the "select few" I let in.  We vent like any other woman, but once the vent is done, so are we, move onto the next issue at hand.  Not all Conservative women are "right wing" either.  We are on the right, but we tend to be closer to the middle on most topics.
What I have come up against in the last few years is that once people label me with the right-wing Republican and Catholic tag, I'm screwed.  All of a sudden any political or religious discussion becomes a debate instead of a discussion.  I am anti-abortion and instead of it being becuase of the whole life and death thing, it's because I'm Catholic and the Bible tells me so.  I pointed out one morning that the Bible had nothing to do with weather a heart is beating or not and that it is actually a scientific event.  That didn't go over well.  I am not a big fan of killing animals either and the Bible didn't tell me to feel that way either.  It's truly a matter of life and death for me and I like things living.  Speaking of religion, just because I go to Church and raise my children Catholic does not mean I am not going to make mistakes or walk away from the teachings every now and then.  Some would and have labeled me a hypocrit, I call it being human and I can't be perfect or follow a dogma or platform every second of everyday.  That is a very high standard to live up to and I can't do it.  I know this, my other half knows this and my closest family and friends know this.
I spend a lot of time encouraging others in whatever they are pursuing like weight loss, running, dating, education or just plain "trying to get it together".  I don't want anything back, I like saying good job or come on we can run up that hill!  I like hearing people's success stories and I also like patting someone on the shoulder when they fall off the wagon for minute.
I have found a group of people who don't seem to think I need to be perfect.  Interestingly enough this group of women and men do not talk politics or religion.  We are a group of people defined by the fact that we are people, there is no expectation of synchronizing ideology in order to get along.  As a group of grown adults we can, without too much difficulty, realize that we all emerged from different backgrounds, have different life experiences and we know that shaped who each of us are.  We all, generally unconsciously, accept each other as who they are and choose to focus on what brings us together, rather than what might make us different.  We talk about other things and when politics or religion does find it's way in we respect that persons right to opinion, and move on.  We do not discuss or debate.
 I am finding that while most of these people know I am on the right and I am Catholic they don't seem to care, if I slip and make a comment, I don't get the dirty look and no one breaks out in hives because I disagreed.  On a whole, I am not fully aware of my friends political and religious feelings, aside from various Facebook post or the occasional telling comment.  It's a great feeling to have found such a diverse group of people, surrounded myself with them, and to be accepted by the group.
Our ideology is not the defining factor within our group, and it's not the defining factor I want tagged to my life.  I don't want to leave this world being known as a Conservative Catholic Republican. I want my legacy to be the person who helped and supported others to achieve their goals, because it was the right thing to do, and as a Patriots fan, of course.

Home...

Being that I'm from New England, that small piece of land east of New York, I should hate Indianapolis just in defense of the Patriots alone...but I don't.  Growing up on the east coast and visiting cities like Boston, New York and Philly, I knew I would never want to live in the city.  I still don't know the actual measurement of a block.  I am sure not wanting to live in the city was more about fear of the unknown than anything else.  I loved my little safe seacoast while still having the Boston Aquarium or a Red Sox game at Fenway just a short ride away.
Then in 2006, we packed up and headed to Indianapolis.  Well, just south of the city to be accurate.  We live in a nice town with over forty thousand other people.  Schools are top notch and lots to do in the community.  But I am really writing about that bigger town a mile north of us.  Indianapolis is in Marion County, however, Indianapolis encompasses all of Marion County.  It's kind of wild when you come from a state with ten counties...can you imagine if Portsmouth encompassed all of Rockingham County?
From what I understand there are approximately 1 million people in the Indianapolis area, that includes a few bordering counties like mine.  You would never know that many people live in the area just because of how the city is set up.  Don't get me wrong, it needs improvements, but my commute is generally less than 30 minutes and I work in the heart of the cIty at the State Government Campus.  Of course accidents, floods and constructiopn happen, but on a good day it's smooth sailing and a very easy commute.
When I first got here I was already planning my return to the east.  Then slowly but surely it happened...I got sucked in.  The downtown part of the city is very safe to walk around at night.  Of course I'm careful, but I am very comfortable walking down Massachusetts Ave (the theatre district) at eleven o'clock at night.  I love eating my lunch by the canal surrounded by buildings.  I love running the canal and up by the river and over by the zoo.  I never feel in danger.  I also always carry my cell phone!  The other good stuff?  Cheap parking and entertainment and amusements are around half the cost than what you pay in Philly or Boston. Back to the running for a second...it is really neat to run a race downtown whether it's a 5k or a half-marathon to have the roads closed for you and you can really see the city from the street level.  I also got to run on that big racetrack just northwest of the city, you may have heard of it...Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
Recently I have enlarged my social circle and it has been so much fun!  I told my friend Elizabeth back in December that since she used to run, I was making her run the Indy Women's Only half-Marathon coming up Labor Day weekend. She said okay.  Over the last month or so I have introduced her to some of my other friends who I run with (Chrystal & Karen) and they welcomed her into running with huge wide open arms and you would think the four of us have been friends for years.  I have never seen people, let alone women be so supportive and nice to someone they just met.  We are becoming quite the running gang...we have just enlisted another recruit to run with us on other days as well.  
I love and miss New England.  I miss being around people who talk like me and say tonic or soda and not pop.  I miss the beach daily and I miss the toughness of New Englanders.  I miss the old houses and fresh seafood but something happened last Friday that I can't deny.  Derek and I were at an outdoor bar downtown Indy with Elizabeth and her husband and two guys I work and run with saw me and came over to say hi...it was then I realized that if I am running into people I know in random places...then... I must be home.

Maybe...

People come in all shapes, sizes and mindsets. I have spent most of the last 3 years cultivating some form of relationship with the majority of my co-workers inside and outside of my immediate department.  I have enjoyed getting to know so many different people with so many different stories.
I love listening to and encouraging people. Walking by my cubicle a person would be likely to hear "that's great!"..." you can do it but you need to do it for yourself"..."good job on the biking, walking, stairs etc"..."you have a lot to offer"..."I think you are very smart" and the list goes on and I mean every word of it.  I am so much better at building people up than tearing them down.  It's just not in my nature.  It has become well known around the office that if you need something read over, exercise/nutrition advice or just a simple pick me up...my cubicle is the place to stop.  Why is this?  Because for some reason a lot of people seem to think I have it together...whatever that means? Admittedly I do have a lot going on...just glance through my Facebook page and I am either training for a half-marathon, playing softball or tennis, taking the kids on a hike or 51 other things like professing my love for Derek or trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up...after I graduate college that is...some time in my 40's.
So my point?  Very recently...ok...last Thurday I found myself in possession of a nasty e-mail a few of my co-workers wrote...about me.  Not very flattering.  It would appear that there is some serious jealousy of my life and I have no idea why?  I live in a small apartment with Derek, two girls, two cats and a dog.  Not really ideal.  The more debt we get paid off...the lower my credit score goes.  Haven't figured that one out yet!  Derek and I are working very hard to get back into a house in the next eighteen months.  My co-workers have lovely homes and solid marriages...I'm trying to figure things out with ex-husband #2.  I guess if these co-workers up until about 2 weeks ago were my closest friends at work had ever once stopped talking about themelves and asked me how I am doing...they may have found out the following:
 I have this silly little blood disorder that if I stop and sit down for too long...I'm done!  It's like anemia...but I can't take iron to fix it...and really...I don't want to look back in 40 years and wish I did ....fill in the blank here.  Maybe I feel like I completely wasted easily the last 25 years and I have a lot to make up for in the next 25 years.  Maybe I want my girls to know you should stay healthy no matter how old you get and while I'm at it...it's never too late to get an education.  Maybe I like volunteering at the President Harrison Home because I love history and I want to give back...to what I don't know...but educating people about Harrison makes me happy.  Maybe I wish random people I have crossed paths with the last thirty-nine years would have encouraged me to do something...anything.  Maybe if one of my "friends" had asked me once in the last 18 months if I'm ok I wouldn't have expanded my circle of friends to include people who are amazing and take me under their wing whether it's running or work or just happy Derek and I are working things out, I might not have realized how empty, shallow, mean and self-centered they are.  Maybe then when they called me a bad mother, housekeeper, slut, made fun of my Associates Degree from a  community college and my future at IU - East, (neither one of them has any degree at all),  maybe when they called me an idiot for trying to do it all instead of sitting at the canal eating my lunch making fun of every person that walks by because of their weight, their clothes or their hairstyle with them...maybe I would have cared.
I am going to continue to say hi to everyone I walk by at work.  I am going to continue to ask how they are doing.  I am going to continue to ask how their family is doing. I am going to continue encouraging, helping and listening. I am going to continue to smile at people I don't know and compliment them on their outfit or shoes if I love them and sometimes when I don't.  I am going to continue to hold doors open for others and say please and thank you.  I am going to continue to care about people...even the ones who hurt me...and hope that maybe...they can find a little happiness.  That's what has made me, me, and I'm OK with me.